“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.