I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’ve had relationships like this
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Nice try, NASA
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that