I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
What about second breakfast?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Dishonest mechanic?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there