YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.