My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
when you don’t want to be too vague
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
This could be us… but you playing
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
termite twitter scares me