Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I am yelling
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sign at work today
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”