the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.