The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.