If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.