What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.