My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Guys, I found it.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss