how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Me sliding into hell like
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Horrifying if literal: shit storm