Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Dead sexy!!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?