This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I ate everything, including the H.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*