“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.