<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”