The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*