Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
It do be feeling this way.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”