The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.