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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.