me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the rocks need my help
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I wish I were this cool 😂
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training