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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.