I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.