Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
every. time.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I had to Stop for this
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?