If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.