[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.