There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village