Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that