is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
best first i’ve ever seen
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Not all heroes wear capes…
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.