[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Genius idea!!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Pass gas, not judgment.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!