Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies