there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
you gotta be faster
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Anyone really
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.