*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I laughed at this way too hard.
Wake me when AI does housework
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.