Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
i made a craigslist ad !
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.