Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.