Beware…..
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Wait, let me explain..”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.