My love language is hissing.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.