Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”