doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
You Might Also Like
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.