Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins