It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
🏙👨🏼
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“Huge”.