Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.