me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do