I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You Might Also Like
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Last-minute gift idea!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.