And that about sums it up.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.