*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
tell em, edith-anne
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.