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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.