There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.