50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes