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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Great Canadian literature.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat